You're So Vain. You Probably Think This Post Is About You, Don't You?

When Washington Hiroshima'd me with an atomic bomb like I never would have expected, I was caught so off guard - left with my head spinning and a slew of "what nows" to sort through in the days that followed. I'd made so many plans. Not future plans, not marriage and babies plans - let's not forget I freak out at the very mention of the word "marriage". I'd made plans for the ten precious days I was about to spend with the person I cared so very deeply for. My family was ready to meet him, after I'd finally given in and gushed about how wonderfully perfect for me this man was. My friends couldn't wait to meet the man who had tamed their wild and carefree friend. There were places I wanted to go - experiences I wanted to share - memories I couldn't wait to make.



When I came face to face with the reality that this man had suddenly pulled a 180, for reasons I could not seem to pinpoint, I was left with handfuls of unfulfilled expectations and empty memories. I was left alone to admit defeat to all those to whom I'd assured I knew what I was doing this time - that this man was the one worth trusting my entire heart to. I was left grasping at straws to piece together what I did wrong - how I failed...again. This was perhaps the hardest part - not rearranging my birthday plans or telling my boss I no longer needed the day off to drive to Chicago and retrieve my love from the airport. No - the hardest part was facing myself and admitting I somehow let this situation, and this person, get the better of me. I had to admit I hadn't been good enough - the distance, the pressure, something was too strong and too overpowering to justify being with me. That...that hurt. Here I was - back where I started. How had I been so sure of something that was never what I had thought it was? How had I given in to him, knowing I didn't want to let my heart go back to this place again - and in turn allow him to prove me right, yet again? How on earth was it that this man that I DIDN'T EVEN WANT found a way into my psyche, into my head, and into my very soul - then turned around and destroyed me? How did I let that happen?







It took me about two and a half minutes to get over Washington.







Okay, that's a stretch. I had my day-long pout, complete with a good cry and healthy dose of red wine. After that? I put my big girl panties on, and decided to kick the rebound into high gear and leave any lingering feelings for the asswipe who made me cry in the dust. It took me about two and a half minutes to realize I needed a giant slap in the face, to wake me up and put me back into motion. I needed to quit bitching, quit whining, and get up and carry on. Life is a real bitch sometimes, and this certainly ain't my first rodeo - and this poor excuse for a man was CERTAINLY no reason to waste another moment grieving over a relationship that should never have happened in the first place.



Despite the extraordinary level of douchebaggery displayed by Washington, I wanted things to be okay. I've never had a relationship that ended poorly. I suppose I have - but we always came around. I'm still friends with (almost - save for one) every guy I've ever dated, no matter how serious the relationship. I'm not the sort to be bitter and scorned, remove a person from my life and carry a grudge because a budding love didn't blossom like I'd hoped. I have always been the type to remain friends with the men in my life. This makes sense to me, because I would never date someone I wouldn't want to call my best friend. Simply because we didn't ride off into the sunset doesn't mean he or I is a bad person, right? Perhaps it's strange that I view things this way, but that's how the cookie crumbles.



I expected things to be the same with Washington. Sure, he was a giant dickbag who played me like a fiddle to fill whatever gaping void he was experiencing in his life, but at the end of the day, we were friends first. I tried to remember the best of him - the reasons I fell for him, and the reasons I was so magnetically drawn to him even as an eighteen year old when we first met. I reasoned with myself, justifying his actions by rationalizing our situation in my head. I gave him the benefit of the doubt - assuming he was being practical, that this wouldn't have worked out long term anyway, and he was just trying to spare us the inevitable heartbreak of a long distance military relationship. I wanted to still be his friend. I wanted to carry on as we had before we ventured down this road together. Only problem? He wasn't having it.



Now, listen. I'm a pretty easy going person. If you piss me off, I'll generally get over it in a timely manner. Sure, you can pull a few stunts to really chap my ass, and in that case, I might be a closed book for awhile while I silently stew over how mad I am. Eventually, though, even the worst offenses fade into the abyss, and life goes on. When you're a blatant douchelord to me, in the wake of something YOU did to hurt ME? Oh, honey. It's on.



Rational conversations with Washington were not a possibility. He claimed he didn't want to be friends anymore, less than 24 hours after professing his love to me. What the what?! Unless we were dealing with a pod person invasion of the other worldly variety, or you're a raging bi-polar, this is not normal. Do not tell me you love me, then break it off with me, and declare I have been so disrespectful to YOU, that we cannot be friends. Sorry I asked you if you started drinking again, Mr. Holier Than Thou StraightEdge Man. You haven't acted this oddly, or this rudely, since you were a heavy drinker, so FORGIVE ME for thinking this was the only logical explanation for your behavior. Perhaps if you made a lick of sense, I wouldn't be left wondering why on earth you pulled a Dr. Jekyl on me three days before you were supposed to come home.







So this? This is for you, Washington.







Dear David,

You sir, are an asshole. A conceited, self-absorbed, positively delusional asshole. I hope you enjoy your giant lion tattoo - I know my friend Angela does! It reminds her of her Lisa Frank trapper keeper from the third grade. Know that I tried. I wanted to be friends with you, even after your magnificent display of douchebaggery. Now that I think of it, I presume this is exactly what you wanted. You wanted people to talk. You wanted to be the hard ass. You wanted control. Congratulations - you've received it. You've also managed to bring together three (and counting!) girls who've experienced eerily similar encounters with you over the last few years. But hey - ten points for consistency, right? I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for. I hope you find the girl who loves and adores you for who you are. The girl who is willing to accomodate her own dreams and goals to mesh with yours. The girl who is so proud of you for everything you have accomplished, and tells you daily how much you inspire her. The girl who would do, and give everything for you.


Oh. But you had her. That must suck for you.


In that case, I hope you find a self righteous, bible quoting, annoying metal music listening, tattooed texting buddy. Maybe then you'll finally get those dirty cell phone videos you absolutely begged for, but never got. Oops...that doesn't really mesh with your perfectly crafted, squeaky clean image, now does it? You know what they say about a woman scorned ;)


Best of luck!

Love,
The bitch who wouldn't send you dirty videos - just loved the shit out of you.








Oh, and for the rest of you? Remind me to tell you about the hot date I had last week. And the hot second date. With a real man. A doctor, actually. A ridiculously good looking, incredibly sweet, genuine, good hearted man. Believe it or not, they do still exist - and I'm a pretty lucky girl ;)


Til next time-
Kay